Yesterday, after I had changed out of my school clothes and into my workout clothes to go running as I normally do between classes, this girl said to me in the locker room “wow, so this is what a runner look likes.” It took me awhile to respond because I was too occupied with my thoughts.
I thought…..yeah I run, but so much more than the sense that you speak of. I run from everything in my life and I never stay in one place long enough to share myself. What I do give people though is this false image of me that they tend to hold so dear, and then before they know it, I’m gone. My group of friends change with the seasons, and I’ve had more places to call home than I’ve had shoes. This is my 7th home in this year alone.
Yesterday I sat at my 6 person dining table for supper. I looked around my empty table, my empty kitchen, and my empty house and it finally dawned on me on how my lifestyle has made me alone. I haven’t decided if I totally favor the solitude than the alternative just yet, but I’m sure that I’d rather be alone than be surrounded by people that make me feel like I am alone. I just haven’t come across a person I feel safe to let all my walls down. I long for that connection, I look forward to that connection, but until I feel that sense of belonging, until I feel the slightest bit grounded…I will be a runner…
and then I said thank you to the girl, turned on my ‘faster’ playlist and ran.
Baguio, Philippines 8/31
My favorite book is ‘Bridges of Madison County’ by Robert James Waller. I came across it in Naga, its from a local thrift store. It certainly wasn’t a typical read of mine but it was for my cousin and I was desperate during the rainy days. I don’t usually enjoy, or even care to read sappy novels, but I adored this story. It was about a love affair between two people who simply could not be together. The women was a farm wife with two children and the man was a wanderlust who couldn’t stay in one place for too long. But for the short four days that they had each other, they shared a love that would change their lives forever…and a love that would be enough. Merely knowing that the other one just existed - a soul that completely resonated to theirs - was enough to satisfy them all the way to their death. It was a fast read and a beautiful tale but my favorite part of the book wasn’t even the story, it was a written note I found on the inside. It is perhaps the most beautiful thing that I have ever read. It may be because I connect with it so well but I truly believe that anyone can relate to the love, and bittersweet message of this short note. We all long to understand why our happiness seems so fleeting: with a lover, with a friend, or even with family. And this simple and eloquent note puts all our feelings, all the pain and joy, and everything else that seems so difficult to express, in 4 simple sentences. I repeat the words of the note everyday and I find my self writing it, even trying to mock the elegant cursive as best I could, over and over again. I only wish that I can hug the beautiful soul who wrote it for putting together the words that my heart found so hard to find. Anyway, I thank you Candice. To anyone reading this, I would like to share this gift to you too.
“Maybe in time, we’ll have the whole picture of why things are the way they are. But I have so much of time and too little of it. I bid you well and hope that someday, I’ll chance upon you again - hopefully it would be for keeps. I have longed for you for eons now, I am content that atleast I’ve known you…
It’s a piano piece and even though there are no lyrics, the song speaks to me incredibly. It’s beautiful. I hear it and I imagine myself through the story it tells me in it’s melody. I believe it’s because that there are no words that I connect to it so much. The fact that its’ story isn’t concrete allows it to be left to interpretation…my interpretation. When I close my eyes and listen, I see the story being played out, I see my life; my past, my tribulations, my successes, my blessings, my nightmares, my loves, and even glimpses of my future and all the way up to my death. I listen to the live version for that final effect. I visualize the applause at the end of Yiruma’s performance a kind of hurrah to my full and beautiful life.
The beautiful places I’ve seen, the remarkable people I’ve met, the extraordinary experiences I’ve endured, the miracles that I’ve witnessed, all the blessings that I bare and still …. nothing just ever seems to be enough. And for now-I’m okay with that. I’m just gonna keep trying…but… “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” - C.S Lewis